Pruning the Branches of my Being

1. Think about the 10 Commandments before doing or speaking.
2. Pray to God for His will and The Holy Spirit.
3. Read the Word every day.
4. Get up and get moving! (4 miles a day to start)
5. Eat the way God intended! (50-25-25)
6. Go to Church every week.
7. View and listen only thngs that have a positive impact.
8. Have fun without being wreckless.
9. Take care of your life's appearance. (hair, skin, nails, teeth, makeup, clothing)
10. LOVE all of life.

A NEW START

Once again, the quitting of all things smokable went terribly. But on this next try, I have much more confidence. I have found my Lord and Savior, Jesus, and with him I can do anything. He will be my strength. He will be my will be my willpower. He will help me overcome. I have never known this peace and joy! When i sit down to study God's word, I get sucked in and can't stop. I want a fresh start in life. Who better to give it? I'm going to compose a list of ten ways I am going to change myself and my life for the betterment of myself, my family and for the glorification of God. Please pray for my success!

LIST

1. Put down the cigarettes
2. Stop swearing, period.
3. Read & pray daily
4. Exercise 6 days a week (4+ miles)
5. Indulge in weed and wine.
...

Turns out,

I made it one day without burning a bowl or smoking a single cigarette. Then I bought a pack. I have purchased two since. Ugh. I suppose at this point I'm ready to try the masses' theory of quitting one thing at a time. But the thing is, I don't think I want to quit smoking weed. I feel much more uplifted, spiritual, and thoughtful when elevated! I forced myself to smoke damn near 5 cigareetes nearly in a row last night in an attempt to disgust myself into quitting. Worked. I can't go five minutes without sounding as if my lung may be projected out fo my mouth by my horrendous coughing. Still, I know I will need Jesus for this. I miss Him. Aware as I am that' He's present always, I've distance myself from Him and I'm feeling the effects now. I'm more stressed, have more questions, worse feelings, and less hope. I don't think I'll be heading back to church right away as I've opted for a home Bible study course instead. I remember how amzingly deep my sleep was and how peaceful my hours spent awake were when I fed my soul with scripture. I wrote down all the books in the Bible, cut them into strips and threw them in a cup. I'd close my eyes and pray for Jesus to guide my hand in selecting the Bible book that would be most useful or important to me. And with eyes still closed, I'd pull from the cup. Lo and behold, it was always something that cut straight through me with its power and relevance to my situation. I need to continue that. I know many of my friends chuckle at me having become closer wiht Christ when for so many years, I was a complete and avid atheist (or so i thought)but, feeling is believing. And I have felt, and now I believe. I just need to live the way that brings immense peace and allows me to feel Jesus at every turn. With my wedding coming up in two days I see this as a perfect opportunity to start anew! Instead of trying to replace cigarettes with water, this time I'm trying something a little more powerful, JESUS. This will feel good.

Its been awhile, it'll be awhile

So many things in my life have changed, are changing or will be changing very soon. Some of said changes are decisions, some are fate, and some are just kind of occuring. After so many nights of going back on what we'd planned to do, quitting, we got fed up with ourselves. I haven't signed anything in blood since the third grade, and yet, somehow my split, aching thumb pad serves as the perfect reminder or what I'm doing here. I know the "smart" way to eliminate things from your life is to kill them off one at a time. But why wait to eliminate things you know are not serving you well, even though they may in fact be things you enjoy the most at present? It may seem rash, but I need to weed out the garden that is my life. Balance will be present, God knows I can't teeter my way to total well-being, but furthermore I'm going through a sort of metamorphosis. I smoked my last bowl and cigarette last evening. Among friends, we joke about how despairingly difficult this will prove to be, but secretly (or maybe not even so much secretly) we're glad to be rid of it all. But as happens in life, when one door closes, another one opens. Balance. A removal is followed by a replacement. However, in my case, I'll be replacing the removed items and activities with things from a different, more appropriate area of my life. Green bowls that used to go up in thick smoke at my hand will now be fondly remembered on a 4 mile walk, and the funds that used to be tied up in them will go toward the improvement of my appearance and contributions to my savings account. Cigarettes that met my lips following meals, sex and pretty much anything that has a start and end will be pushed from my life by sticks of cinnamon gum and multiple glases or water. Fast foods, soda and beef products will be ousted by loads of vegetables and fruits. And lastly, though not least of all my boredom and ambitionless worry with life will be diluted by coming back to God, setting goals, MAKING them happen and becoming the most positive person I know, oozing with support and enthusiasm. I want to sponge away the salty words and phrases that slip off my tongue involuntarily. Somehow, "fuck, man" doesn't go so well with my beautiful wedding ring. And i can't imagine being overcome with joy when my little girl says "bitch" out of admiration for my ability to speak. The rest of this year will be one spent fine-tuning and purifying all facets of my existence. My motto has always been to "live life", and when I looked in the mirror to pose the question to myself, " Is that really what you're doing here?" I couldn't truly answer with a "yes". So, though it has been a while since I've let these thoughts escape the boundaries of my brain, it'll be awhile before I ever let that stop-flow or thinking happen again. From this point forward, onward and upward, looking to the future, I like what I see: boundless possibility.

quitting

We all have heard just how hard it is to quit smoking. But each item you can smoke has its own unique level of difficulty when it comes to the matter of quitting. The two examples most prevalent in my life, weed and cigarettes, seem to be on opposite sides of the board. With cigarettes, sure they're gross as all hell and yet in some unnameable way still desirable. They make your chest feel tight and your throat raspy and any subtle cough habitual. Yet I still crave them. They're amazing post-sex and a little too much post bowl. They invented dualism, I think. We want to quit them forever-- once and for all, but just can't seem to pass by the Tobacco Connection if we got more than five bucks in our pockets. And then there's the herb. Makes you cough, however unlike the cigarettes the weed cough happens immediately and not so frequently later on. This one I had no desire to quit for the longest time. Sure, its much more expensive than regular tobacco and its illegal, but since when did that deter anyone from doing anything? Its a luxurious and Utopious feeling being blazed. It helps you sleep, overeat, and saY "OH WELL," and "WHATEVER" a lot more. Alas, I need to find some way to keep the wonderful qualities I inhale while keeping my pipe empty and my bank account fuller. We talked of contracts. One between my lover and I, my bestie and I; and my fellow Scorpio has already penned one with her parents with financial aid for a new vehicle and her college education hanging in the balance. We all need to quit, be it for money, safety, education, transportation, or just to clear out our smoky domes. No more can we push our quit date back even a single day. Last evening, we sat down at 11:08pm with roughly $30-$40 worth of greens. Determined to get rid of it, we decided we'd kill it all last night so that none of us had any left for the morning which would hinder our progress by yet one more day. There were three of us to start. After four bowls, we had to call in the reserves. We were dragging our feet through the whole thing. So, I placed a call to my Californian buddies. All the whili thinking baout how, a year ago, we would have rejoiced at having any excuse to burn so many bowls in a given evening. Now, it seemed, our interest in general was waning. Once our help arrived, there were five. So we went our for a quick smoke (on a cig) and rearranged our seats on the bed and began again. The supply in the bags dwindled and dwindled, after our sixth bowl, I think we forgot how very close we were to being done. Just done. After realizing just how cached the bowl in my hand was, I reached blindly into the baggie I was working from to feel...NADA! It was gone! ALL GONE! We quietly congratulated ourselves and one another. There was a sense of relief in the air which couldn't have been suffocated even by the copious amounts of smoke and haze. Scorpio was the first to bail out and get to bed, then the Californians. I immediately ripped my bedsheets aside and nestled into what had suddenly become the most comfortable bed in history. I went under almost as soon as I had laid my head upon my massive stack of pillows. Unless I was dreaming, I believe I may have even turned down a sexual romp. Which is just more proof how necessary this quitting is. One should never turn down legitimate, fabulous, love-laced sex...even if they are insanely high. So now, the money I would normally be throwing into the tobacco company's arms or stimulating my local dealer's economies will be split between my savings account and tanning beds. I want a freckle for every bowl I WOULD HAVE smoked littering my cheeks. Granted, a month from now, I will waste two entire bags with roughly the same people in one day...Hey, I got start somewhere.

last night

So last night as a few friends (as well as my lover) and I shared conversation and cigarettes, I was informed by my husband-to-be that one of my best attributes is my ability to make people uncomfortable really quickly. Thanks, honey. A little taken aback at first, I sprung to thought. And came to one realization about myself. I do that. It's true. And as much as I hate to admit any one's mental dominance over me, he's totally right. My friend said it with a thick coating of sugar "You're just blunt. You say exactly what you're thinking." Better, but still doesn't sound like a trait anyone on this planet would be trying to develop.
I really shouldn't have been taken aback in that I am one of the most "out-there" (personality wise) persons I know. That being said, I suppose the only reason this new fun fact about my tendencies caught me off guard is that I never really do think before I speak. Like ever. And I hadn't noticed before. I spent a few following minutes trying to decide if I felt like it was vice or virtue. And I couldn't.
I couldn't completely hate the fact, being completely aware that 2 of my closest friends have no filter either. The skinny brunette (we have matching friendship tattoos)is about as crass and dry and bitter as it comes. She's tiny, but get her worked up and she packs a punch!!!!! And the buxom blonde, really, has about as much a radar for sensitive feelings as pornography has censorship(Please note, it's just a metaphor. She hates porn.). She as a being is extremely sensitive. Still a spitfire, yet exudes a certain degree of innocence and propriety in the sound of her voice and personal appearance. As is the brunette. She cries at the slightest pull of the heart strings, and still we share the "blurt" attribute. Come to think of it, MOST of my friends demonstrate their own unique brands of impropriety. And that's completely what I LOVE about them. No games. No bullshit. They say what they mean, and also in return, mean what they say. And isn't that the most basic request for all relationships, platonic or otherwise???? To be real?
Exactly. I'd deciphered my own puzzle. I LIKE that I'm that way and I identify and bond with others on that note. So really, I find it to be virtuous. It feels good recognize good within myself. Also, I reinforced my recently discovered feelings on plasticity. I'm put off by it and gravitate to the real, no matter how raw it ends up being. Hmmmm.

today

In the middle of my fourth hour of my work day, I can't help but think about how much I miss them. Sure, he's only miles away making sandwiches for the good people of Idaho, and she's less than seven minutes away undoubtedly shrieking for god knows what reason. But still, I miss them. It's not that I'm lonely. Being out of work for months as I'd been prior to February, I relish the time to myself and with the public. But still.
Maybe it's that I want to do. For them. Anything and everything they desire. He wants to change the world with a computer company armoured and powered by ethics and innovation. She, on the other hand just wants to be mobile. But what about for me? What is my plan for myself?
I grew up think I wanted to be a hairstylist and master the beauty industry with my skill and passion. But after a retrospectively short stint submerged in the business, I quickly learned that my head and my heart were in two very different places and the market of hair and skin and beauty and perfection and bitches was not for me. That is definitely not say that I am not a Bitch. I sure am. But in a two-edged sword kind of way. One side is a sleek, smooth, so-sharp-you-don't-feel-it-open-you-up razor. The flip, however, is a jagged, serrated, dulling edge I reflexively lash about.
Which perhaps provides the reason I wasn't cut out for such an industry after all. It takes patience. Patience to get through school (which, in itself, was a whole new and separate level of Hell), patience to find a job in one of the worst markets (for businesses providing an unnecessary service) since the Great Depression, patience to serve the ever-intelligent and demanding customer base which would have composed my group of "regulars". It's the "regulars" you need as reliable sources of income, those whose return patterns mirror the most precise intervals. But here's the thing: the more stylists I spent time with on or off the salon service floor, I discovered hated their clients. Hated them. They had a horror story for every one of them. And still, to the client's face laughed their fake laughs and smiled their fake smiles and handed out their fake compliments while they put fake color in their (only sometimes) fake hair.
Again, parts of me are fake. I color my hair and tan in a bed and get acrylic pasted on my nails just as much as then next girl. But one thing I cannot fake is pleasure where there is none. I can keep my cool for a relatively long period of time before I explode wrath all over everything within a hundred mile radius, but as far as faking things, I'm just not good at it. So there you have it. I can't be fake to people who are annoying the fuck out of me. Props to anyone who can. As I've always thought to myself, (sure, it'd be much cooler had I actually said it to someone, but I haven't...yet) a clown can rock a better painted on smile than any human I've come across.
Aside fromt hat fact, the entire salon experience, from the viewpoint of the professional (which according to the state of Idaho, I am) has been pretty uncomfortable. Women in numbers in a small building with chemical fumes lingering in the air is just not a good idea. You'd think the fumes would at least aid the situation, elevating the girls to such a degree they'd take on a cool, chill stooper and soft, monotone voices but, no. I think it intensifies bitch rage.
But enough, that is no longer a part of my life or career. I forwent another hair gig in my employment search for something I have always found to be a pleasureable topic. Sex. And no, I'm not a hooker, whore, slut, escort, or even a stripper. I work in an adult toy store, which has solved one of my main problems with the beauty industry: feigning pleasure where there is none. With vibrators and anal beads linign the walls with the choice of every clitoral stimulating gel and lube to help me along...no need to fake it.
No, but in all seriousness, I of course don't use the merchandise for self-pleasure. But there is a degree of joy that comes with knowing EXACTLY what my patrons are going to do once they leave the store. They all leave happy, and I don't have to push them to do or buy anything they don't want when they come in. Plus, I adore the conversational factor of it. It's like a sanctuary for everything taboo and forbidden by societal standards. Just where I want to be. I also work all alone during my shifts. Nobody to compete with, nobody to get my goat, just me. And the customers. And the hilariously dirty and sometimes unacceptable phone calls I get.
So, my first two hiccups in career decision have been solved. I've surrounded myself with pleasure and eliminated the "speak to please" problem. But how can I make this MINE?