LIST

1. Put down the cigarettes
2. Stop swearing, period.
3. Read & pray daily
4. Exercise 6 days a week (4+ miles)
5. Indulge in weed and wine.
...

Turns out,

I made it one day without burning a bowl or smoking a single cigarette. Then I bought a pack. I have purchased two since. Ugh. I suppose at this point I'm ready to try the masses' theory of quitting one thing at a time. But the thing is, I don't think I want to quit smoking weed. I feel much more uplifted, spiritual, and thoughtful when elevated! I forced myself to smoke damn near 5 cigareetes nearly in a row last night in an attempt to disgust myself into quitting. Worked. I can't go five minutes without sounding as if my lung may be projected out fo my mouth by my horrendous coughing. Still, I know I will need Jesus for this. I miss Him. Aware as I am that' He's present always, I've distance myself from Him and I'm feeling the effects now. I'm more stressed, have more questions, worse feelings, and less hope. I don't think I'll be heading back to church right away as I've opted for a home Bible study course instead. I remember how amzingly deep my sleep was and how peaceful my hours spent awake were when I fed my soul with scripture. I wrote down all the books in the Bible, cut them into strips and threw them in a cup. I'd close my eyes and pray for Jesus to guide my hand in selecting the Bible book that would be most useful or important to me. And with eyes still closed, I'd pull from the cup. Lo and behold, it was always something that cut straight through me with its power and relevance to my situation. I need to continue that. I know many of my friends chuckle at me having become closer wiht Christ when for so many years, I was a complete and avid atheist (or so i thought)but, feeling is believing. And I have felt, and now I believe. I just need to live the way that brings immense peace and allows me to feel Jesus at every turn. With my wedding coming up in two days I see this as a perfect opportunity to start anew! Instead of trying to replace cigarettes with water, this time I'm trying something a little more powerful, JESUS. This will feel good.

Its been awhile, it'll be awhile

So many things in my life have changed, are changing or will be changing very soon. Some of said changes are decisions, some are fate, and some are just kind of occuring. After so many nights of going back on what we'd planned to do, quitting, we got fed up with ourselves. I haven't signed anything in blood since the third grade, and yet, somehow my split, aching thumb pad serves as the perfect reminder or what I'm doing here. I know the "smart" way to eliminate things from your life is to kill them off one at a time. But why wait to eliminate things you know are not serving you well, even though they may in fact be things you enjoy the most at present? It may seem rash, but I need to weed out the garden that is my life. Balance will be present, God knows I can't teeter my way to total well-being, but furthermore I'm going through a sort of metamorphosis. I smoked my last bowl and cigarette last evening. Among friends, we joke about how despairingly difficult this will prove to be, but secretly (or maybe not even so much secretly) we're glad to be rid of it all. But as happens in life, when one door closes, another one opens. Balance. A removal is followed by a replacement. However, in my case, I'll be replacing the removed items and activities with things from a different, more appropriate area of my life. Green bowls that used to go up in thick smoke at my hand will now be fondly remembered on a 4 mile walk, and the funds that used to be tied up in them will go toward the improvement of my appearance and contributions to my savings account. Cigarettes that met my lips following meals, sex and pretty much anything that has a start and end will be pushed from my life by sticks of cinnamon gum and multiple glases or water. Fast foods, soda and beef products will be ousted by loads of vegetables and fruits. And lastly, though not least of all my boredom and ambitionless worry with life will be diluted by coming back to God, setting goals, MAKING them happen and becoming the most positive person I know, oozing with support and enthusiasm. I want to sponge away the salty words and phrases that slip off my tongue involuntarily. Somehow, "fuck, man" doesn't go so well with my beautiful wedding ring. And i can't imagine being overcome with joy when my little girl says "bitch" out of admiration for my ability to speak. The rest of this year will be one spent fine-tuning and purifying all facets of my existence. My motto has always been to "live life", and when I looked in the mirror to pose the question to myself, " Is that really what you're doing here?" I couldn't truly answer with a "yes". So, though it has been a while since I've let these thoughts escape the boundaries of my brain, it'll be awhile before I ever let that stop-flow or thinking happen again. From this point forward, onward and upward, looking to the future, I like what I see: boundless possibility.