Turns out,

I made it one day without burning a bowl or smoking a single cigarette. Then I bought a pack. I have purchased two since. Ugh. I suppose at this point I'm ready to try the masses' theory of quitting one thing at a time. But the thing is, I don't think I want to quit smoking weed. I feel much more uplifted, spiritual, and thoughtful when elevated! I forced myself to smoke damn near 5 cigareetes nearly in a row last night in an attempt to disgust myself into quitting. Worked. I can't go five minutes without sounding as if my lung may be projected out fo my mouth by my horrendous coughing. Still, I know I will need Jesus for this. I miss Him. Aware as I am that' He's present always, I've distance myself from Him and I'm feeling the effects now. I'm more stressed, have more questions, worse feelings, and less hope. I don't think I'll be heading back to church right away as I've opted for a home Bible study course instead. I remember how amzingly deep my sleep was and how peaceful my hours spent awake were when I fed my soul with scripture. I wrote down all the books in the Bible, cut them into strips and threw them in a cup. I'd close my eyes and pray for Jesus to guide my hand in selecting the Bible book that would be most useful or important to me. And with eyes still closed, I'd pull from the cup. Lo and behold, it was always something that cut straight through me with its power and relevance to my situation. I need to continue that. I know many of my friends chuckle at me having become closer wiht Christ when for so many years, I was a complete and avid atheist (or so i thought)but, feeling is believing. And I have felt, and now I believe. I just need to live the way that brings immense peace and allows me to feel Jesus at every turn. With my wedding coming up in two days I see this as a perfect opportunity to start anew! Instead of trying to replace cigarettes with water, this time I'm trying something a little more powerful, JESUS. This will feel good.